Heart Broken

  

I don’t even know where to begin.  Definitely not from the start, because we’d be here all day.  I guess I can begin with these pictures.

The first one, to me, looks like a picture upside down.  The ocean on top should be on the bottom and the mountains in the middle should be turned around and in the middle and the gray on the bottom looks like the sky which should be on the top.  As I see it, the world is upside down.  I am so heart broken, tattered, and torn right now that I feel like my life has been turned upside down.  The kitten in the middle – not understanding what in the world is happening right now; lost and pleading with God to make the pain and hurt to go away.  Any finally, the girl in the middle of the road, waiting for a car to run over her and kill her and they did many years ago to about six teenage boys, wanting God to kill me and take me home.

I don’t believe I have felt this kind of pain before.  Certainly not when my parents passed away, or my horse died of colic, or my best friend alienated me.  You see, I am a person suffering from PTSD, depression, Bi Polar depressive episodes, and that’s only a few of my diagnoses.  My biological siblings have been, well, I thought jealous of me because I love the life I’ve wanted to live and been able to live the life I’ve loved.

However, in doing so, my life has been a total (excuse the expression) hell.  As a child, I experienced a lot of misfortunes, to the point that when I told my parents about what was happening, they did nothing to take me out of the situation.  For the past  26 years (since my mother’s death) my siblings have either drawn away from me or been very artificial around me (and so have their friends).  As hard as I have tried,  my brother has not returned my phone calls nor my text messages.  I have tried and tried to keep in touch with him  but to no avail.  My sister, however, has kept in touch, but her reaching out has been very artificial.  My family always traveled to her residence to celebrate the holidays, but once, only once in the past thirty years has she ever come to my home to visit, and not at all since my father passed away 11 years ago.

I learned why they were acting the way they have been on Tuesday.  I can’t say they are right in their actions.  They believe what they believe and no amount of trying to change their minds will change their way of thinking.  So, as hard as it was to hear their assailing words, I have to (for my own sanity and self worth) remove them from my list of family members.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things that I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.  Living one day at a time, enjoying one moment at a time.  Accepting hardship as the pathway to peace, taking, as He did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it.  Trusting that He will make all things right if I surrender to His will.  That I may be reasonably happy in this life, and supremely happy with Him forever in the next.  Amen.

God bless and keep each one of you safe in His arms and especially my brother and sister.

Thank you Lord.

9 Replies to “March 29, 2018”

      1. Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that things have gotten worse! I understand wanting Jesus to come take us home. The New Testament actually says there is a reward for those who love His appearing! So maybe that could be the silver lining in this awful storm? Remember that Jesus understands what it feels like to be insulted, betrayed, mistreated, and abused. He loves you and wants you to keep coming to Him casting all your cares on Him for He cares for you. You are precious in His sight. He knows you intimately (Psalm 139) and loves you lavishly. Praying for you.

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  1. Praying for Complete and total healing for you my friend. Today Jesus died for you, for us. Sunday He will rise. It’s time we take our lives back and live a life of abundance. Have a blessed Good Friday and Resurrection Sunday sister!💙

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Missy, please keep me in your prayers. A situation in my family and it’s only gotten worse with me trying to reach out with scripture. My brother has completely blocked my calls, my texts, my emails. He’s been absent from my life for 30 years and when we were in high school, we were inseparable. We looked so much alike that the teachers couldn’t tell us apart!

      But that’s gone. He doesn’t have a clue about the hell I’ve been through the last 25 years. He doesn’t want to hear about it and I don’t want to explain it. I just need healing. My anxiety is thru the roof. Please Jesus come and take me away.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I absolutely will pray for you my dear. Consider getting a Stephen Minister especially during this time. It is free and completely confidential. You can find a local ministry at http://www.stephenministries.org or call 314-428-2600 to find the nearest group near you. It is Christian lay care where they assign a “same sex” Stephen Minister to walk along side of you during a difficult season. It’s a beautiful mission and truly lifesaving in my opinion. God bless you friend!

        Liked by 1 person

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