March 29, 2018

Heart Broken

  

I don’t even know where to begin.  Definitely not from the start, because we’d be here all day.  I guess I can begin with these pictures.

The first one, to me, looks like a picture upside down.  The ocean on top should be on the bottom and the mountains in the middle should be turned around and in the middle and the gray on the bottom looks like the sky which should be on the top.  As I see it, the world is upside down.  I am so heart broken, tattered, and torn right now that I feel like my life has been turned upside down.  The kitten in the middle – not understanding what in the world is happening right now; lost and pleading with God to make the pain and hurt to go away.  Any finally, the girl in the middle of the road, waiting for a car to run over her and kill her and they did many years ago to about six teenage boys, wanting God to kill me and take me home.

I don’t believe I have felt this kind of pain before.  Certainly not when my parents passed away, or my horse died of colic, or my best friend alienated me.  You see, I am a person suffering from PTSD, depression, Bi Polar depressive episodes, and that’s only a few of my diagnoses.  My biological siblings have been, well, I thought jealous of me because I love the life I’ve wanted to live and been able to live the life I’ve loved.

However, in doing so, my life has been a total (excuse the expression) hell.  As a child, I experienced a lot of misfortunes, to the point that when I told my parents about what was happening, they did nothing to take me out of the situation.  For the past  26 years (since my mother’s death) my siblings have either drawn away from me or been very artificial around me (and so have their friends).  As hard as I have tried,  my brother has not returned my phone calls nor my text messages.  I have tried and tried to keep in touch with him  but to no avail.  My sister, however, has kept in touch, but her reaching out has been very artificial.  My family always traveled to her residence to celebrate the holidays, but once, only once in the past thirty years has she ever come to my home to visit, and not at all since my father passed away 11 years ago.

I learned why they were acting the way they have been on Tuesday.  I can’t say they are right in their actions.  They believe what they believe and no amount of trying to change their minds will change their way of thinking.  So, as hard as it was to hear their assailing words, I have to (for my own sanity and self worth) remove them from my list of family members.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things that I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.  Living one day at a time, enjoying one moment at a time.  Accepting hardship as the pathway to peace, taking, as He did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it.  Trusting that He will make all things right if I surrender to His will.  That I may be reasonably happy in this life, and supremely happy with Him forever in the next.  Amen.

God bless and keep each one of you safe in His arms and especially my brother and sister.

Thank you Lord.